Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

It's hard to find a play that's right for me to do. Rather than waiting around for the right script to come along, I decided to write one myself.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I always enjoyed writing. I did playlets in high school, I did radio shows in college. That's one of the reasons I went down to Second City, because you could do acting and writing.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.