Don't move to Seattle and write a stupid sex advice column. That's a waste of time and you need to grow up and get serious.

I think the 'South Park' guys are brilliant.

I'm an agnosto-theist. I cross myself on airplanes. I pray when I'm sick. When you're sick I'll keep you in my thoughts; when I'm sick, I'm entreating a higher power.

There's always something new with sex. We lived in a world without Viagra, now we live in a world with Viagra. We lived in a world without blowjobs and anilingus in the Oval Office, and then it happens and you get to write about it. We live in a world where now the government is screwing with contraception and holding back vaccines that could save 4,000 women's lives a year, and you get to write about that. It's not as much fun as anilingus in the Oval Office, but what are you going to do? If you pay attention, there's always something new, and it's always really invigorating.

Oftentimes, when people write me 4,000-word letters, I write them back and tell them if their problem's that complicated, they probably need a lawyer or a cop, and not me.

I'm allergic to dogs, so I couldn't even adopt what gay men typically adopt when they have that maternal gene.

No one has ever gone broke underestimating the insecurities of the gay and lesbian consumer.