When trouble strikes, head to the library. You will either be able to solve the problem, or simply have something to read as the world crashes down around you.

Once more, this is love: it rings and you open up unless it looks like an ax murderer.

You can't believe everything you read.

One of the most difficult things to think about in life is one’s regrets. Something will happen to you, and you will do the wrong thing, and for years afterward you will wish you had done something different.

who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn’t know how things played out.

They say that when you’re really in love, the world becomes gossamer and gorgeous, but in my experience the world gets grimy, and the love object is in stark relief from the surroundings. This is love, a pretty thing on an ugly street.

The more I protest that I'm not Lemony Snicket, and that I'm Daniel Handler instead, the more it becomes clear to the audience that I am in fact Lemony Snicket, that I am in fact standing in front of them.