My chauffer once told me that I would feel better in the morning, but when I woke up the two of us were still on a tiny island surrounded by man-eating crocodiles, and, as I'm sure you can understand, I didn't feel any better about it.

Everything else has vanished, so you take them now. Maybe if you're the one keeping them, I'll be the one feeling better.

Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.

I was once almost forced off the stage at a large chain bookstore that shall remain nameless, because she introduced me as Lemony Snicket, and I immediately interrupted her and said, "Oh no, Lemony Snicket isn't here," and then she tried to cancel the event right then and there.

Appearance matters a great deal because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves.

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work.

If you know somebody very well, like your grandmother or your baby sister, you will know when they are real and when they are fake.