As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]

She gave me a hug and for a second I was embraced by a body that makes me want to go home and never eat again.

There are two types of panicking: standing still and not saying a word, and leaping all over the place babbling anything that comes into your head.

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

I had written eight drafts of the Lemony Snicket' screenplay when this changing-of-the-guard thing happened, and I said to the new producers, "I don't think I could write any more drafts." I guess I was sort of hoping they would say, "Well that's okay, this last one is perfect." But instead, they said, "It's funny you should say that. We don't think you can write any more drafts either."

Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel, because you rarely meet someone who has one, and when you do, it makes you want to hide under the coffee table.

Tell me what it is, or prepare to eat harpoon.