Much as I try to disguise myself, there is never a time when I'm not aware of being overweight.
Daphne MerkinThere's something stubborn about families, unhappy ones in particular: they outlive themselves, and then they live on.
Daphne MerkinNaturally, our own irrational demands strike us as having the force of needs, while other people's needs strike us as capricious indulgences.
Daphne MerkinI think the experience of depression that I most think remains true throughout the years is it's very isolating. That to me is its strongest quality. That you're alone in a room, that you're cut off, you're just sort of stuck with it. It puts up a wall.
Daphne MerkinThen again, as those who suffer from it know, intractable depression creates a planet all its own, largely impermeable to influence from others except as shadow presences, urging you to come out and rejoin the world, take in a movie, go out for a bite, cheer up.
Daphne MerkinMy mother is the source of my unease in the world and thus the only person who can make me feel at home in the world.
Daphne MerkinI always look to people and think whether they seem well-loved or not well-loved. That's one way I walk through life. Do they have some core that withstands the ravages? Everyone gets pulled down in life and has good moments. But it always interests me how people withstand things.
Daphne MerkinEverything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasnโt looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking.
Daphne MerkinI see depression as an exponentially developed version of a human condition. Meaning I always think in the end it's humanizing. People who never suffer from depression I find suspect. I assume Donald Trump is not a sufferer from depression.
Daphne MerkinIt was through reading that I discovered the crucial, even sacrosanct place the rituals of drinking held in the American imagination - the ingenious way alcohol seemed to lubricate everything from onerous chitchat to self-conscious sexual advances.
Daphne MerkinHow much simpler it would be all around if you could put your mind in a cast, like a broken ankle, and elicit murmurings of sympathy from other people instead of skepticism (โYou canโt really be feeling as bad as all thatโ) and in some cases outright hostility (โMaybe if you stopped thinking about yourself so much โ).
Daphne MerkinIt might pay to be resilient, if this was all being vulnerable and skinless got you. People didnโt stop and cluck over damage done unless you made it worth their while. Indeed, maybe it was time to rethink this whole salvation business. Or maybe I was less desperate, less teetering on the edge than I cared to admit. Now, that was a refreshing possibility.
Daphne Merkin