I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like that.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT

It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.

I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I.

You totally need to watch the news." "Can't." "Why?" "It's too depressing." "Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.