Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.

It is sexy in here or is it just me?

I'm a virgin. But this is an old shirt. --T-SHIRT

Whatever makes your balloon red, Swopes.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I lowered the gun but didn’t holster it. Not just yet. She could turn out to be psychotic. Or a door-to-door salesperson.

I climbed into Misery and called Uncle Bob. “We hooking up?” “Why does everything out of your mouth make me sound incestuous?” “Um, I wasn’t aware that it did. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience.” “Charley.” “Is there something you need to get off your chest? Besides that skank I saw you with the other day?