Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.