The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New York Times, which has thousands of reporters constantly producing enormous front-page stories about bauxite...The [New York] Post would write about bauxite only if famous celebrites were arrested for snorting it in an exclusive Manhattan nightclub.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .