All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it.

People don't like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you'll hear from really loyal fans of that celebrity.

...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.