Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Nature is located mainly in national parks, which are vast tracts of wilderness that have been set aside by the United States government so citizens will always have someplace to go where they can be attacked by bears. And we're not talking about ordinary civilian bears, either: We're talking about federal bears, which can behave however they want to because they are protected by the same union as postal clerks.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.