The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition.

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.