In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life