See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

I'm not sure you can count as history, was Keith Richards's "Life," which he so modestly titled it. I did find it a fascinating book. Keith's a pretty honest fellow.