This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal