Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.