Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.