Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.