Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.