Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".