The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

The Breakfast of Champions isn't cereal, it's the competition!

Van Halen can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade.

I know that people think I'm a party king; but, face it, if I finished the bottle every time I took a drink, I wouldn't be able to do the aerials I do onstage.

You gotta learn the alphabet, backwards and forwards. And then the choice is yours, 'cause last I looked, the Bible is written in the same words, the exact same alphabet, as my favorite pornography. Choice is yours.

The best time is during the struggle. The top of the mountain is usually small, freezing and lonesome. To this day I'm continually reinvesting myself in something new. I'm not afraid to start as a beginner in anything.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.