I enjoy reality as much as the next man. It's just that in my case, fortunately, reality includes a good stiff belt every now and then.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.

Watching too much TV can triple our hunger for more possessions, while reducing our personal contentment by about 5 percent for every hour a day we watch.

Malta is a sod of a place.

I've been lucky enough to win an Oscar, write a best-seller - my other dream would be to have a painting in the Louvre. The only way that's going to happen is if I paint a dirty one on the wall of the gentlemen's lavatory.

Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?

Tell me that I misunderstood a joke, but don't tell me that my choice of cravat is wrong.