I didn't dare to dream of making money. But now of course, I've made many thousands of dollars sharpening pencils.

I don't like when performers rag on their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend in absentia. If they're not there, it just feels rude... I'm never going to say anything personal about myself on stage. That's my new goal.

I never thought I would make a living as a pencil-sharpener. The first goal was: I don't want to lose money. And then the goal was: I want to see if 100 people buy my pencils. I just kept upping the benchmarks.

To me, if you're lucky enough to make stuff that people will pay money for, do a good job. Really do a good job. Especially if you're talking about real stuff, like terror atrocities and human rights abuses and pencil-sharpening techniques.

I wanted to get paid to sharpen pencils originally just because I thought it would be fun.

I don't even drink Coke. It tastes like robot sweat.

I'm not a professional comedian. Nobody comes to my comedy shows. That's just a little hobby.