I never thought I would make a living as a pencil-sharpener. The first goal was: I don't want to lose money. And then the goal was: I want to see if 100 people buy my pencils. I just kept upping the benchmarks.

I hate self-publishing; it's a real drag and it takes up a lot of space.

I wanted to get paid to sharpen pencils originally just because I thought it would be fun.

I liked sharpening pencils and I was like, "Oh, I wonder if I could get paid to do it." And I figured it out and I did it.

I don't even drink Coke. It tastes like robot sweat.

I don't like when performers rag on their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend in absentia. If they're not there, it just feels rude... I'm never going to say anything personal about myself on stage. That's my new goal.

Everyone has pencils in their house, no matter how hip and contemporary they are.