The difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if the script is the same, just the way that I read it is different.

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.

Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.

I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.

I rejected the word humorist for a long time because I thought that it meant you had, like, a cardigan sweater with patches on the elbows, but now I'm old and I do. I grew into that word. I think at heart, all this time, I've been a diarist. I'm not ashamed of it.