His embarassment would have pleased me, but once he recovered, there would be that awkward period that sometimes culminates in a handshake. I didn't want to touch these people's hands or see things from their point of view, I just wanted to continue hating them. So I kept my mouth shut and stared off into space.

The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work.

I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.

If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.