There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.

There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m really not into white guys right now.