There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

No one reads to hear someone complain about the weather or how poorly their children are behaving. You have to give the readers a reason to turn the page. As a writer you have to invite someone to turn the page. And that is a skill you have to refine. That is why you have to read. You have to read to learn what it is that makes people turn the page.

I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.