That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.

Worrying about tomorrow is the best way to screw up today.

I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff.

Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.