The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.

Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

We drink and we die and continue to drink.

When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with "No Cure For Cancer."

Firefighters don't go on strike.