I think it's great when writers get recognition; it doesn't happen very often. I just don't want that writer to be me. Let it be Aaron Sorkin or, you know, somebody good.

Juno MacGuff: You can never have too many of your favorite one calorie breath mints.

Let it be said that the makeup artist at '90210' made me look better for the fake red carpet than I've ever looked on an actual red carpet.

I've been meaning to write about the Rolling Stones, but I am the furthest thing from a hipster rock journalist.

The fashion industry isn't merely content to encase my meaty flanks in skintight denim. Oh, no! That denim also has to be white, a color that attracts ketchup, wine, garlic aioli, and any other foodstuffs I might otherwise be able to enjoy if I wasn't wearing ridiculously tight pants.

I would never consent to a lame publicity stunt at a time when I already want to hide.

Vodka Redbull: Upper meets downer in an effervescent hybrid of bubble gum and junkie piss