Don't be mad cuz I'm doing me better than you doing you.

I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!

Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.

Dress like a gentleman, but my mouth is never civilized.

I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.

But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.

We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering who's watching my movie.