Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.

[Deadpool] is definitely squirm-inducing. It's a pretty hard R, violence-wise. But cartoony, also. Maybe fast-forward through to torture scenes.

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.

I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.