I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.

Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.