Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

That's the interesting part of being a judge to me - I don't even care about these people's fights that they're having with each other, but I have to invest in it enough to figure out. I have to make a decision.

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.