If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.

No one really knows what mattresses are meant to gain from their lives either. They are large, friendly, pocket-sprung creatures that live quiet private lives in the marshes of Sqornshellous Zeta. Many of them get caught, slaughtered, dried out, shipped out and slept on. None of them seems to mind this and all of them are called Zem.

Even the evil-looking bird perched on a rod in the bar had stopped screeching out the names and addresses of local contract killers, which was a service it provided for free.

If I were not an atheist, I think I would have to be a Catholic because if it wasn't the forces of natural selection that designed fish, It must have been an Italian.

Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.