We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.

I'm very drawn to Eastern Europe, so I like a Hungarian writer who wrote in French called Emil Cioran; he was always good for giving me such a stir.