Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.