I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.

I love furniture. And I thought, why are we not seeing who's making the cool new coffee table and these new designs that come out?

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.

I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not