I never see the glass half empty because I drink out the bottle

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

If you're in a position where you can help other people, there is nothing better in life than helping other people. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

I'm probably the most honest person you'll ever meet - to a fault, like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings honest. I'm sure if I lied about anything, it would have been silly, but I haven't retained that information.

I'm sure men have their own ways of trying to demean one another, but women can be very gossipy and judgmental, and that doesn't help.