I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

Everybody always resolves to start exercising, but they never do. You know why ? Because it's January. Who wants to go jogging in the freezing cold ?

There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything.

I won't have a hard time being brutally honest. But I won't be mean. You don't have to be mean to be honest.

When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, " When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.