Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about.

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.