Understanding child development takes the emphasis away from the child's character--looking at the child as good or bad. The emphasis is put on behavior as communication. Discipline is thus seen as problem-solving. The child is helped to learn a more acceptable manner of communication.

Often, when there is a conflict between parent and child, at its very hub is an expectation that the child should be acting differently. Sometimes these expectations run counter what is known about children's growth. They stem from remembering oneself, but usually at a slightly older age.

Cultural expectations shade and color the images that parents-to-be form. The baby product ads, showing a woman serenely holding her child, looking blissfully and mysteriously contented, or the television parents, wisely and humorously solving problems, influence parents-to-be.

If you never allow your children to exceed what they can do, how are they ever going to manage adult life - where a lot of it is managing more than you thought you could manage?

It gives us more flexibility, so we can do more, but it also creates the expectation of the instant response. It can take away your sense of control over your time.

In families children tend to take on stock roles, as if there were hats hung up in some secret place, visible only to the children. Each succeeding child selects a hat and takes on that role: the good child, the black sheep, the clown, and so forth.

In a study that I just did, I found that it was older children, not younger children, who felt that they didn't have enough time with their parents.