I am racking my brains to find out why he left without saying goodby to me.

Today I bought two lottery tickets, because I had a feeling that it would be now or never - they were both blanks. So I am not going to be rich after all. Nothing at all to be done about it.

I sat with him for three hours and we did not exchange a single word. At the end he handed me, as he had done before, an envelope with money in it. It would have been much nicer if he had enclosed a greeting or a loving word. I would have been so pleased if he had.

God, I am afraid he won't give me his answer today. If only somebody would help me - it is all so terribly depressing.

He has so often told me he is madly in love with me, but what does that mean when I haven't had a good word from him in three months?

I want to be a pretty corpse.

I am so infinitely happy that he loves me so much, and I pray that it will always be like this. It won't be my fault if he ever stops loving me.