I have a professional acquaintance whose recent eyelid job has left her with a permanent expression of such poleaxed astonishment that she looks at all times as if she had just read one of my books.

Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward. Next to the first one in the morning, it's the best one of all. It tasted so good that even if I had been frigid I would have pretended otherwise just to be able to smoke it.

I have a professional acquaintance whose recent eyelid job has left her with a permanent expression of such poleaxed astonishment that she looks at all times as if she had just read one of my books.

It's the Government's job to print the money, deliver the mail and declare war. Now give me my cigarettes.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

There is more sexism in a year's worth of movies than actually exists in a woman's entire lifetime.

America is the only country in the world where you can suffer culture shock without leaving home.