Smoking is the great romance of my lifetime. If I could find someone I wanted forty-five times a day, perhaps I could stop.

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Television turned out to be exactly as bad as the most irritating and pedantic intellectuals of the '50s said it was going to be.

I'm like the laziest person who ever lived. It's amazing to me I even sit up.

One of the biggest changes in my lifetime, is the phenomenon of men wearing shorts. Men never wore shorts when I was young. This is one of the worst changes, by far. It's disgusting. To have to sit next to grown men on the subway in the summer, and they're wearing shorts? They look ridiculous, like children, and I can't take them seriously. My fashion advice, particularly to men wearing shorts: Ask yourself, 'Could I make a living modeling these shorts?' If the answer is no, then change your clothes. Put on a pair of pants.

The truth is that most families have no smart ones and no pretty ones. Most families are a bunch of unattractive dopes. And it turns out that the Bush family, like most families, has no smart ones. I was not surprised to see this.