The golden rule when reading the menu is, if you cannot pronounce it, you cannot afford it.

The speeches to be wary of are those that begin with I'm just going to say a few words.

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner. Tactics is getting her to drink it.

A golf ball is white, dimpled like a bishop's knees, and is the size of small mandarin oranges or those huge pills which vets blow down the throats of constipated cart-horses.

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.

Hotel tea is when you have to mix together a plastic envelope containing too much sugar, a small plastic pot of something which is not milk but has curdled anyway, and a thin brown packet seemingly containing the ashes of a cremated mole.