There will never be a nuclear war; there's too much real estate involved.

I'm not going to be Bill Clinton and say I never inhaled. I did inhale. I liked tobacco a lot better.

What kind of man can name a child Moon Unit?

Jazz is the music of unemployment.

Anyone who is disturbed by the idea of newts in a nightclub is potentially dangerous.

Scientists believe that the universe is made of hydrogen because they claim it's the most plentiful ingredient. I claim that the most plentiful ingredient is stupidity.

Maybe you should stay with your mama, you're kind of stupid and ugly, too.