Elvis has left the building to climb up that heavenly stair. So what if he looks like a wart-hog in heat?

I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right.

The most abundant element in the Universe is stupidity

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.

It's raw, unbridled superstition for these people to claim that words can harm you.

Listen honey, would I lie to you to get in your pants?