I love New York, and I'm drawn to a certain intensity of life, but I've just never felt like I want to escape from the Midwest. A writer lives a great deal in his own head, and so one intuitively finds places where your head is more clear. New York for me is one of those places.

Sing your song; don't let the bastards get you down.

I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don't think there is any obligation to be clever at all.

I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.

God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.