Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.

Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.

Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living.

As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'