I believe men's faces come in two kinds: Faces that need a blade, and faces that need an electric. I never was happy with an electric. I became pizzaneck.

One thing I am learning from the kitten is that everything he is doing seems to be in preparation for murder.

Making stuff up is the worst thing a journalist can do. Plagiarizing is the second worst.

I feel like no matter what happens in my career endeavors after today, going to grad school is one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I disagree with those who suggest that we permanently close down the U.S. mail on the grounds that it can kill you. That is sheer hysteria. I think we should permanently close down the U.S. mail on the grounds that it has been making us sick for quite a while.

I have some advice: Unless she is pregnant or handicapped, don't give up a seat to a woman unless you KNOW she is well over 60. Trust me on this, even if I am a liberal.

I have been called the antichrist, though, by Nazis.